Let's talk about healing . . .

(Trigger Warning - NA & SA)

How would you describe your healing journey?

Where did it start and how have you changed?

I started my healing journey a few years ago when I started working in The Harmony Hub as a Part-Time Saturday job. Being around so many other people who were looking for guidance on their paths made me want to look into mine. So I started digging around in my feelings and tried to figure out why I felt a certain way about certain things and if there was something I could do to help myself.

I didn't have a particularly bad upbringing but I have always been a very sensitive person, I got upset about things that my siblings didn't, I cried over things that no one else did. I got labelled "dramatic" and a "cry baby". I tried to shut it all off, to not feel anything and act like I didn't care about the things that I did so that I could be left alone. But, unfortunately the damage was done and still to this day my family don't really understand me.

My journey towards better spiritual and mental health has taught me that there was never anything wrong with me. Turns out that I'm empathic and that's why things affected me differently. I AM overly sensitive, but that's okay. Now I try to surround myself with positive energy and avoid the negative so it doesn't get as overwhelming.

I grew up around alcohol addiction, and although there was never any real physical abuse, there was verbal abuse and emotional neglect. As a child I had to learn to read the room and navigate other peoples emotions so I could try and diffuse any potential situations or avoid them altogether. I tried to protect my younger siblings as best I could and would put myself in the line of fire instead. It wasn't necessarily bad things I was shielding them from but sometimes just letting them sleep and not have to see a heavily intoxicated parent passed out was better for them.

We were not a family who showed love. I feel like I don't cope with affection because of this, hugs are extremely uncomfortable for me and I very rarely tell anyone I love them.

It's funny how as a kid, if you don't get the affection you require, you start to seek attention instead.

"Maybe they'll love me if I do this?"

The thing is, you shouldn't HAVE to be anything other than who you are. You deserve love. You.

Not if, or when, or maybe. Just you being you is enough.

Belonging to a women's circle has opened my eyes to this weird wonderful world of love and affection and simply being accepted for who you are. The Luna Society has been a pivotal point in this journey. I am learning to accept hugs and love and dare I say it, even show some love outwardly too.

It's such an odd feeling and I have days where I still don't believe I'm worthy but, this path isn't always linear.

Friendships are another thing I've struggled with my entire life. Maybe it's because I've always been a little different, but no one ever really sticks around. I have had so many "best friends" in my life who have all just moved on. Like, I get it, people grow and evolve and maybe you just don't fit anymore. But when it happens repeatedly you start to think that maybe you're the problem.

I have always given it my all with my friendships, like I will move hell or high water to get you what you need. I will put you first. I will come to you, do what you want. Never question it. I will plan lunches and dinners and girls trips and always try to be thoughtful and inclusive. But still they leave.

I've since learned about attachment styles and mine has always been anxious avoidant. I people please, I am so scared of abandonment that I will do whatever it takes to keep people around. I have been working on this, trying to develop a more healthy attachment style. The trouble with that is that I am now recognising my own self worth and not putting so much of myself into my relationships. Taking a bit of a step back. Which in turn either makes people think that you don't care as much anymore, or you realise that they don't put in the same effort and the friendship was based entirely on you providing them with your time and effort. The latter type of people then get mad that you start treating them the way they treat you. It's all very confusing.

Healing the Sister Wound is really difficult and I am still struggling to navigate this path, but I am trying.

I got into a relationship with an older man when I was still quite young. He too was an addict. A controlling one, a narcissist and a gaslighter.

He diminished any light I had left in me. I was so blindly in love that he could do anything to me.

He cheated on me, repeatedly. Laughed in my face when I confronted him about it and made me believe that I had no choice but to stay with him because no one else would have me.

You see, before I met him I had been sexually assaulted and so that was used against me. I was damaged goods. Mentally and physically. He was the only person who could ever love me now, right?

He knew he had me, so he pushed every boundary. He actually brought one of the girls into our house and let her tell me everything they'd been up to behind my back. Still I stayed.

I had to pay for everything because he was always broke, took our rent money and did god knows what with it so we ended up homeless. Still I stayed.

Five years of mental torture later, I found him with another girl on our anniversary. That was it.

I had to leave. Be on my own. I tried so hard. I wanted a normal life.

The problem was I was terrified, I was now a 22 year old girl living alone with the constant fear that I would never be enough. That I was unlovable. That I couldn't survive on my own. That the person who had raped me would find out where I was and do it again. And again. And again.

I was drowning in depression and anxiety. I stopped eating. Stopped sleeping. Stopped leaving the house. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and took an overdose. It didn't work. I woke up the next day with my mum & sister banging on my door. I just told them I was in a deep sleep. I tried again the following week, but this time I was bitter and sent my ex a message telling him it was all his fault. I wanted to pretend to myself that he would care enough to have a conscience and maybe once I was gone he would finally feel guilty about everything he had put me through.

Next thing I knew my brother and dad were taking me to hospital to have my stomach pumped.

The next six months are a bit of a blur, I was heavily medicated and not allowed to be left on my own.

I was so annoyed that I had let men lead me here. Destroy my life. Make me feel like I was nothing and better off dead. I hated them. I wanted to get better, prove to them all that I could do it. That I was enough. That I could survive on my own. I had been given another chance. So I took it.

The poor boy I met next didn't stand a chance. Hurt people, hurt people. I tried to make him pay for everything that the others had put me through. I was horrible to him. Used him. Did all of the disgusting things that had been done to me. I still feel guilty about how I treated him to this day.

Finally he had enough and ended it.

That was when I realised I had to work on myself. I didn't want to be this person. I wasn't this person. I was nice and kind and I cared too much. This monster I had turned into was none of those things.

So I did!

I spent a few years getting back to me, learning who I was and what I wanted out of life.

I got healthy again and started to take care of myself mentally & physically.

Then I met a boy who was lovely and chivalrous and understood me and accepted me for who I was. He was able to calm me down when I got stressed and hype me up when I got depressed, he helped make me the best version of myself and I loved him. So I married him.

He also introduced me to Julie who started my healing journey and the reason for this post and so it seems we have come full circle.

My journey is far from over. Like I mentioned earlier, healing isn't linear. I have good days and I have bad days. I still struggle with depression and anxiety but I'm working on it. I prioritize my mental health now. If I don't want to do something, I won't. If I feel like the vibes are off and it affects me, I remove myself. Simple. I prefer to be by myself a lot of the time so I don't have to feel others emotions.

For the first time in 36 years I am putting myself first.